Archive for the ‘ CPY ’ Category

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind: Super 8 Film Review

The Velvet Underground and Nico.

Is it bad reviewing to borrow from a bad review?

I hope not, because a line from Ian Nathan’s review of Super 8 (Directed by J.J.Abrams) in Empire Magazine will set up mine quite neatly. In his final summation, Nathan writes that Super 8 is a ‘homage to better times, and better movies.’ That solitary statement sounds reasonable enough so far (though ‘homage’ is a word to be distrusted – it too easily doubles up for ‘rip off’), but then…something incredible happens. A Gibbon, recently escaped from a chemical experimentation centre, picks up a rock and throws it at a pigeon, which loses all sense of direction and flies through a window into Empire’s offices. The Pigeon wreaks havoc, and smashes into Ian Nathan’s head – knocking him onto his key board and somehow, somehow, this awards Super 8 Four Stars. Four stars. I’m sure that’s the only way it could have happened, because in my incredibly balanced and level-headed review, I’m going to show that the movie is cheesier than a tramp’s cock, and maybe 3/4s as appealing.

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An Apology

Skins’ Condition: A Speculative Look at the Upcoming Fifth Series

 

From left to right - Alex Arnold, Dakota Blue Richards, Sean something, and blah blah blah a bunch of people no-one's heard of

 

Next year, a new series of the loud and confused teen drama Skins will stumble onto our screens, giggling and smelling unwashed. If you’re not aware of it, Skins is a bizarre show about a bunch of teenagers in Bristol and their riotous misadventures. Someone wanted to make a show about the difficulties of growing up in the modern age, with a strong emotional core, and someone else wanted to make a surreal and wild romp with slapstick humour and celebrity cameos, and they both got together and decided to reconcile their approaches by doing them both simultaneously, but turned up to 11. It should be unwatchable, but it tries so hard and it’s so enthusiastic that you can help but be swept along, like when a child shows you her 3-page story about angry goats and declares it to be her magnum opus.

Skins is so keen to remain hip and with-it that every two series it chucks out the entire cast and replaces them with younger models, mostly unknowns drawn from an open casting call. Series 5 will see the entrance of the third bunch, and speculation has been rife as to what they would be like. Now, thanks to someone’s possibly unwise decision, we know: they’ve been cast, and their pictures are up on the website, with a little voting button so people can let E4 know what they think of them. The purpose of this vote is mysterious, since they are not likely to be replaced just because some strangers don’t like their faces, but nevertheless it’s there – and unfortunately the public is not a big fan of the new cast of Skins. Only 16% of the more than 23,000 votes have been positive for the cast as whole. Displeased teens must be stifling their gag reflexes up and down the country.

Is this bunch really that unappealing? And how much can we learn from them about content of the new series? Here at The Jerk Circle we’ve given the matter some thought, and come up with our own evaluation of the new Skins cast. We disdain such crude measures as simple percentage points, so we offer a more detailed examination of their appearance, including a guess at their character’s name and what their role in the show will be. A crucial aspect of Skins characters is their home-life, which is invariably troubled and almost always involves a seasoned comic actor playing a weirdly straight role as a parent – so we’ve taken a stab at predicting that as well. Continue reading

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Shop Here: Jack Wills

NOT what libraries are for.

In my last article I spoke about the horrendous, offensive, disgusting festival of suntanned beefsteak that is the clothes shop Abercrombie and Fitch. But it struck me as quite an All-American offering (though they’ve had a store in London for a while, bastards), and I wondered, what do we Brits have to offer in terms of twatly garb? The answer came immediately: Jack Wills. Continue reading

The Jerk Circle Presents: 60 THINGS A GIRL WOULD WANT BUT WON’T ASK FOR

Have you ever had a girlfriend? If you have, you’ll realise that girls often want things, and although nothing would please you more than to provide them, sometimes they don’t even ask. My girlfriend wanted me to hug her once, but she didn’t say anything, and we broke up. That never would have happened if I’d known about this Facebook group:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/145629021777/?fref=ts

What did I do? What didn’t I do?

If I’d read that, I would have known to sit on her and tell her I loved her, and pick her up like in The Notebook, and give her one of my sweatshirts. That’s the sort of good grounding a relationship needs. But at The Jerk Circle, we want to go further. Those 60 are a good start, but from our combined experience with the ladies (which by the way is a LOT) we’ve come up with a further 60 Things a Girl Would Want But Won’t Ask For, which help to keep your woman happy, even when she’s not asking for things. Read these carefully (no skipping!). They could save your ass.

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Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Shop Here: Abercrombie and Fitch

Hell is real, and it’s here on earth. Its name is Abercrombie and Fitch.

Allow me to expand on that. I am lucky and have travelled far and wide. The things I have seen would make Ray Mears break down and cry,  burn his passport, buy a Mansion in Surrey and order in 5 times a week. Bear Grylls would shit himself (unintentionally this time) if he shared my experiences. But still, of all the horrors of the world, the two most prominent to me would have to be the Abercrombie and Fitch clothing stores in New York and Los Angeles.

Abercrombie and Fitch is awful in so many ways, its evil runs so deep, that it’s hard to know how best to attack the subject. It’s like a giant, noxious, burger, too big to fit in your mouth*. Do you open it up, take it apart piece by piece? Or do you just try to have a big fucking bite and break your jaw. I like my jaw. I’m going to attack A&F in little pieces. Continue reading

The Seven Circles of Jerk Hell