Quantum of Solace? More like Quantum of Bollocks! Yeh I’m pretty fucking funny.

"Why am I wearing a suit in the desert?"

OK let’s get one thing straight I fucking love James Bond, and I’m not just talking the classic Connery and Goldeneye, no literally all of them. “What even Die Another Day?” I hear your cry, yeh Die Another Day- I enjoyed it, it was ridiculous but it was entertaining in a so-bad-it’s-good sorta way. I even like the Roger Moore period, I even like the late Roger Moore films when he was older than my fucking dad. So imagine my pain when two years ago I had to watch my childhood hero get literally butchered on screen. Try and quantify my solace!-You can’t cos that doesn’t make sense. Continue reading

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If you don’t like this, you’re a cunt – Pt. 1: Bill Hicks

Welcome to a (potentially) never-ending series of things that are fucking great. There’s no debate about it, these things have gone beyond the realm of opinion and are simply, provably, brilliant. If you don’t know about them, what is wrong with you? What have you been wasting your pathetic life doing exactly? And if you don’t like them, you are the scum of the earth. You aren’t fit to lick out some fucking worn out crackwhore’s stretched-out, dripping-with-piss, pus-filled vagina. Anyway, enjoy!

Number one is Bill Hicks. Simply put, the most brilliantly angry and poignant stand-up the world has ever known. Taken from us prematurely at just 34 years of age, he was all set to be the voice of a generation fed up with the state of the world. From  anti-abortion retards, to the persecution of gays in the military, to the swathes of lazy fucking ignorant mouth-breathing, mall-going, Cops-watching drones who make up the majority of the population, Bill Hicks let them have it and then some. Let’s just thank Christ he didn’t have to live to see the age of reality TV.

What seperated Hicks from his peers was that he channelled his anger into something downright hilarious and yet meaningful at the same time. His was comedy with a message, at the heart of which was a plea to his audience to just think for themselves, to question all the bullshit around them and got-damn do something about it. Even if that something was just to sit back and laugh at it all.

Inglourious Twats: The Guardian’s film critics

Critics at The Guardian discuss Tarantino's latest release

I’m going to use this post to Heimlich-Maneuver out something that’s been sticking in my craw for a long time. Have you ever noticed that quite a lot of the film critics in newspapers don’t know anything and are shite? I have, and it gets me riled. It gets me so riled that I’m about to go on and on about it for a quite tediously long time. Reading this is going to be quite similar to being cornered by an excitable and strange man in a pub, who insists on telling you at length about his highly specific pet peeve which bothers him disproportionately, on a subject you have expressed no interest in, until you find yourself wishing all his enemies well and contemplating grevious bodily harm just to be allowed to escape to the loo. You’ve been warned, so now I’ll just dive straight in.

Continue reading

A poll

What’s the deal with The Middle?

Sorry, but could this show be more similar to Malcolm in the Middle? How are they allowed to get away with this? It’s like someone sat down in a room and said “You know what was a good show? Malcolm in the Middle. Do you reckon we could just totally rip it off, make a show with an almost identical name, in which all the characters, setting, plot and even their house are identical to the ones in Malcolm in the Middle, only take the humour out of it? I mean, we’d probably make some money out of it without having to use even an ounce of creativity.”

I swear they have literally filmed it in the same set as MITM. I’m almost positive the mother and youngest son in it were hired based solely on their resemblance to Lois and Dewey. It’s just unbelievable – how are they not getting sued for this?  It’s like if I decided to take The Simpsons, steal the premise and make it way less funny, clever and subtle, and make loads of money off it. Oh wait, Family Guy already did that. D’oh!