Posts Tagged ‘ CPY ’

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind: Super 8 Film Review

The Velvet Underground and Nico.

Is it bad reviewing to borrow from a bad review?

I hope not, because a line from Ian Nathan’s review of Super 8 (Directed by J.J.Abrams) in Empire Magazine will set up mine quite neatly. In his final summation, Nathan writes that Super 8 is a ‘homage to better times, and better movies.’ That solitary statement sounds reasonable enough so far (though ‘homage’ is a word to be distrusted – it too easily doubles up for ‘rip off’), but then…something incredible happens. A Gibbon, recently escaped from a chemical experimentation centre, picks up a rock and throws it at a pigeon, which loses all sense of direction and flies through a window into Empire’s offices. The Pigeon wreaks havoc, and smashes into Ian Nathan’s head – knocking him onto his key board and somehow, somehow, this awards Super 8 Four Stars. Four stars. I’m sure that’s the only way it could have happened, because in my incredibly balanced and level-headed review, I’m going to show that the movie is cheesier than a tramp’s cock, and maybe 3/4s as appealing.

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Abandon Hope All Ye Who Shop Here: Jack Wills

NOT what libraries are for.

In my last article I spoke about the horrendous, offensive, disgusting festival of suntanned beefsteak that is the clothes shop Abercrombie and Fitch. But it struck me as quite an All-American offering (though they’ve had a store in London for a while, bastards), and I wondered, what do we Brits have to offer in terms of twatly garb? The answer came immediately: Jack Wills. Continue reading

Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Shop Here: Abercrombie and Fitch

Hell is real, and it’s here on earth. Its name is Abercrombie and Fitch.

Allow me to expand on that. I am lucky and have travelled far and wide. The things I have seen would make Ray Mears break down and cry,  burn his passport, buy a Mansion in Surrey and order in 5 times a week. Bear Grylls would shit himself (unintentionally this time) if he shared my experiences. But still, of all the horrors of the world, the two most prominent to me would have to be the Abercrombie and Fitch clothing stores in New York and Los Angeles.

Abercrombie and Fitch is awful in so many ways, its evil runs so deep, that it’s hard to know how best to attack the subject. It’s like a giant, noxious, burger, too big to fit in your mouth*. Do you open it up, take it apart piece by piece? Or do you just try to have a big fucking bite and break your jaw. I like my jaw. I’m going to attack A&F in little pieces. Continue reading